4 Signs of Overwhelm as a Mother (and simple steps to help)
It is incredibly easy to ignore the signs of overwhelm as a mother because we are often in the moment when it happens. ‘In the moment’ of a child melt down, injury, avoiding a catastrophic child mediated event, rescuing a child from danger, preventing a massive mess to be cleaned later… and a whole pile of things you could never have thought would happen pre kids!
Often you are juggling more than one of these things at a time too along with trying to make food. Then the kids need a hug or start tugging at your top or pants and you lose it because it is simply one thing too many. Too much problem solving, touching, noise and busy-ness and before you know it you are totally overwhelmed -but who can stop with all of that going on around you?
If you start to feel slightly panicky reading that, you are not alone. Just writing it brings back memories and I wish I knew then what I know now. A lot of mama melt downs would have been avoided, and I would have been closer to the mum I thought I would be than the demonic monster that would appear when overwhelm was at its worst.
The 4 major red flags I see for overwhelm, or building overwhelm, in mothers are:
1. Irritability or anger. You start snapping at even the slightest request no matter how sweetly asked. Your nervous system sees everything as a threat and it isn’t processing a reasonable request from an unreasonable one. It’s in flight or fight mode, and fight seems to be winning cause let’s face it…there is nowhere to go!
2. Exhaustion. Being in fight and flight with dysregulated cortisol is exhausting. Chances are you aren’t sleeping that well either adding to the burden. You just want a nap but even that doesn’t help and let’s face it, who has the time to do that with small kids?
3. Feeling like you just want to drive away and not come back. You don’t! But you feel like you just want to leave it all behind. These are the things mother’s leave unspoken. The desperation of overwhelm. When everyone wants you and you have nothing left to give. You love your kids but having space, peace, quiet, no responsibilities is like a daydream.
4. Always doing things FOR the kids not WITH the kids. You have so much to do that you don’t do anything except the basics. You can’t consider leaving the house or doing anything fun because you have washing to do, a house to clean, kids to deal with…all valid but also you can start to chase your tail trying to have a perfectly clean home or providing perfect meals. Breaking out and doing something different seems just too hard.
Part of it is managing it all in the moment, but a bigger chunk is relaxing the nervous system, so it starts off in a calmer mode. Most of the time we are operating in fight or flight, aka sympathetic nervous system or so close that the tiniest upset flings us into full blown overwhelm. If we can give ourselves a bit of that grace that we grant to everyone else, we can start to drop into the parasympathetic or rest and digest mode.
Start working these things into your daily routine:
· Coffee AFTER breakfast. I know. Totally boring. Not what you wanted to hear but I bet you aren’t doing it. Give your cortisol time to kick-in itself, before you double up with coffee. And of course, no coffee after midday so you get some sleep and keep it to 2-3 single shots a day (I see you double shot mama).
· Sit down to eat with the kids. An active body is an active nervous system and that means you are not digesting or enjoying those gorgeous humans you created. Eating regularly also helps with blood sugar regulation and therefore mood. You will also be modelling good eating habits AND self-care. Cause mum is important too!
· Take things off your plate. I don’t mean literally but if you have a lot going on take a minute to take something off. Does the washing need to be done today or can it wait? Do you need to do the shopping right now or can you play in the park a bit longer and have a random assortment of food for dinner (not every meal needs to be perfect).
· Know you have choices. This one is really hard to get your head around. There is always a lot of resistance to this because, ‘I have kids. I can’t do anything for myself.’ I hear you. I have been there. It is hard but not impossible. Look at the choices you do have.
Do you have trusted friends or family that can take the kids and give you a break? Use them!
You don’t? That’s ok. Life can be like that.
Choose to do something WITH them not FOR them. Get involved in a game they want to play and have a laugh with them, blow some bubbles.
Can you set them up with a game or show or activity that requires little input from you so you can read a book or just stare into space for 30 minutes?
Is it possible to do an activity you all love that is easy like a walk for pleasure not exercise, go to the beach or the pool?
Or can you go to a community group activity that entertains the kids while you watch and chat? Libraries often have story time and activities.
Instead of shutting down the possibility of doing something for yourself because you have kids, get curious! What other choices do you have?
Make a list of things you can do with the kids when things get tough and just too much. Stick it on the fridge to remind yourself you have choice in all of this.
Sometimes this can all seem like a mountain, and you can’t do it alone. There are so many homeopathics and herbs that can support you through this. I work with mother’s every day to get them through the hardest parts of the journey. Sometimes you just need a correctly chosen remedy to shift your outlook. You aren’t broken. You aren’t doing it wrong. It’s just hard. And in today’s world where we don’t have a village or extended families to help - we need to do it differently.
Reach out and get support. You are enough. And you are not alone!
NB If you are feeling like you need to just drive away or your irritability is giving way to white rage please seek help. Counselling, psychologists etc can really help to get you through this as well. It’s ok to ask for help.